I’m not entirely sure about a lot of things lately; fatigue, stress, days of caffeine, lone nights of alcoholic consumption, and to top it off, a couple of enlightening experiences. My mind has been completely overfilled with useless and useful information, and not having the time to organize and defragment these memories have been increasingly annoying. I’m somewhat hoping that writing these thoughts down again somewhere, will help me run my mind back to 100% (well, 80% is good enough, heh); I just feel impulsive about a lot of things going on with my life at the moment. I sense inconsistencies of my current actions compared to actions that I’ve taken in the past and it’s driving me nuts. It’s like an obsession of mental organization. Mind you, I’m not in a right mindset.. (not sure if I ever will be), so take this with a grain of salt.
Here is something that I have been wondering. I’ve always been up for change. Change. Change. I feel like I’m definitely up for changes in the surrounding environment on a macro-level basis, such as technology. But these drastic internal changes have been very… uncomfortable to say the least. Am I really a proponent for change? I’ve started to realize that I’m not. But this is perhaps due to the fear of contradiction. The contradiction as a result of taking in different perspectives and comparing them to each other; you are almost guaranteed to find a hole in your rationale, especially when it is subjective. I feel responsible for this though, as it was my decision for working part-time, interning, going to school and… experimenting. On one hand, I feel like I can make a difference in my situations and on the other, I feel like I’m not thinking through it. I’ve even considered just going with the flow, but I know how much trouble that can cause later down the road; nuh-uh.
Relationships. Where should I start with that? I think it’s awesome, but I seem to have some kind of mental lockdown at the moment. It’s like a shop that had its jewelry stolen, and the alarms are going off; things must be taken care of first, before the store can go back to its operational state. Digging into my mind and searching around right now, I can’t seem to pull it up easily. What if nothing comes out anymore? Am I to rationalize this thought? Plant this seed , and let it run its course? If I was to ask myself 5 months ago, I would refuse such situation. Upon some reflection of this thought process, however, I’ve often come to the conclusion that “I would never be understood”. This likely comes from the desire to want to be understood; have I done my part for others though? That is one question I must ask myself.
How do you “improve” yourself? Is it strengthening the strengths you currently have, or is it putting yourself into situations you aren’t used to? I believe that there are 2 ways of improving yourself on each aspect of your personality; there is specialization and rounded-ness. One thing that must be known is that they both require some interaction with people other than yourself. I feel like I’ve already done enough of the latter by being naive in the beginning of college, only to realize that you are most likely going to be screwed by being backstabbed, in addition to all the drama. Done with that crap. Therefore, I am looking at interaction with people on a specialization -> rounded-ness basis. Why deal with all the likely bullshit people can bring by randomly putting yourself into situations? I find that far too inefficient and tiring, but whatever floats your boat, is it not?
I refuse to take some negative view of the world in this mindset, but I can somewhat relate to the saying of “life being a prison”. When I flip my thought over to the other side however, your life is what you make of it, for the fact that you were born which would include happiness, sadness, frustration, celebration, curiousity…. Life really is a double-edged sword.
Going onto another tangent idea, and totally based on a thought experiment I just had… What if we condemned the birth of human being? Not from a shallow perspective (“oh the condom broke”) but on a philosophical perspective. I mean, I’ve often heard of atheist grave ceremonies in which they “celebrate the life” that person had with their death. Meh, I guess the opposite wouldn’t work as time moves forward.
I guess based on that thought experiment, I would have to say at this point that “life is a double-edged sword…. that slants toward positivity”. Unless I can come up with some other opposite logic.. but it’s time for me to go to sleep